no more

thoughtful

I guess the sleepless nights at work is making me stay up in the wee hours.

Having a lot of thoughts and reflection lately. All my thoughts are rather political lately. Maybe too much feeds of current affairs lately.

Other than the twenties crisis, I really wonder whats wrong with me. The inability to open up to a group of people seems so dominering these days. Living and feeling more vulnerable than ever.

It really takes more than some positive thinking or willpower to make it through.

When I think of one direction of a thought, almost the whole world has a second opinion. Which leads me to the point where 'So who's right?'. I still have the vibe coming from people that they expect you to be okay, to be going to church, to cell where deep down in my soul I wished to cry out loud that I'm tired and I need the rest. Why is it that some how people just dont get it? I still get the 'you-have-to-help-yourself' thingy. Hello - when I am helping myself, please ask yourself where you were first when I was trying. Some how people always expects you to hang in there be this super solid wall that never crumbles and weakens by the thrasing of waves.

I still get the uneasy vibe that you have to know everything and be biblically correct in the group. Its a rather strange feeling which I cant illterise yet. Its like a ma-lu (shameful or paisey) situation where during the discussion when you really dont feel like thinking and discussing the question and when you do anyhow answer coz youre not thinking and you get the looks on people's face that okay she doesnt know what she's talking about or she's not that good.

Vulnerable feeling encompases all that.

This vibe. On the contrary, I saw a group where the people are so closely knitted that even though a good bulk of them are church kids - they are able to open their arms to newcomers in their groups.
Which comes first - to be opened up to people or having people to be open to you?
I dare to say both : without one or the other, its never a complete fellowship. I feel I'm more of in a standstill now. I dont want to really know anyone or build any friendships. If you have been in a position when you're competely defeated, you'll know what I mean. Its like no matter how you get whacked - you just can't stand up on your feet and all people does is telling you politically right statements which probably doesnt help at all.

Anyway, I dont know if this makes sense. Good job though. Not that depressing. I wish I can express myself better. Its so painful at times... when the night falls and you're all alone with an ibook, wondering if anyone reads this or cares to make the effort to put that bond with you. I sound like an geeky outcasted high school/seconardy school student, and the popularity good seems to get it al..

posted by gloomy @ 2:08 AM