no more

Sometimes I really wonder. What on the earth am I do? Its not your typical disillusioned thingy commonly explained away.

One minute I'm in a high, the next I'm in the low.

And the ever prevailing problem of trying to tell others where am I now. And the ever fustrating need to blend & fit in.

I'm not like the rest, so please people dont force me into it. You dont think you are doing it, but you are.

Sometimes, I wonder why I cant be accept the way I am.

I have my pride to deal with just like anyone else, I have my problems.

And the least thing I have to deal with is to prove who or what I am made of. Maybe I expect things to be done my way. Maybe I expect some people to understand that different people are dealt differently and they cant expect to "work" on their "grounds".

I feel super short changed at the moment. Super. And no its not the "u cant expect people to return to you when you help".
maybe to me its a common sense thing to do.
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Or maybe I'm just freaking busy and losing sleep. To the point I havent started looking for a freaking job.

Damm it what is wrong with me...

Many things happened today. There was a freaking crowd frm the east to city hall for NDP. And only great world city was peaceful enough to walk around. And I really hate crowds. Really.

At this junction at 3am - in bad mood, not bathe yet, feeling fustrated.

Fustrated and yes jealous at how everyone else has everything, frens etc. Fustrated at how my post is always misread. Fustrated at how other people seems to have their happy high with God and what am I do here whining in my ruts. Fustrated why the same shit can happen to me twice. At how trials seems always in 10 folds. Fustrated that because I am an outward expressive person at some junction, I seems less meek & gentle. And again misunderstood.

And asking God why am I so prideful in a different way. All contained and up there. In the darkest night manifesting in a different way. Asking God why do I always have this sense to want to win, to be right. And the problem is sometimes I'm right but never heard. Just because I am not articulate and have to use this freaking blog to express. There is something freaking wrong with my social life.

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Need a holiday badly. Away from these nonsense around me. BADLY.

And I missed out Blogger.sg. Sian. Sian.

Had good time with my bro running around City Hall & Great World. Could have been better without the crowd. Mood was tripped off by someone, end up wasnt that happy.
Fireworks was nice, VR set at Baybeats was great - one of the greatest bands around I've seen. Crowd was terrible. Seeing familar faces was cool. Dinner at Marine Sq was satisfying. Going home was tiring.

I conclude that depriving the bear of sleep is really bad. That said, the above words were from bottom of my heart. Go ahead if you wish not to read between the lines. I really just want to be WHO I AM, not who you want me to be so that its easier for you whoever you are to befriend with me. I really dont want to be in this fight anymore. just so tiring.

Drained. Why am I so? Is it my fight against the injustice of this world, or simply the refusal to accept the state of humanity? Or forgetting the greater One is in charge of all things... that I should rest...

And why on earth am I writing so much crap whenever I feel like crap?

Self therapy - its 3am in the morning.

Damm.

Tired.

Nites to the world behind me....

posted by gloomy @ 2:59 AM